Attraction versus connection.
I have been thinking a lot today.
It’s usually problematic when this happens because
I end up consumed by my thoughts;
lost in the haze of tracing and retracing
and trying to understand what quite possibly has no meaning.
I think about him every fucking day.
I hate admitting it
partially because it’s devastatingly pathetic
and partially because while I want so badly to remember life before him
I know I will never forget him.
The intial attraction quickly gave way
to a deep connection.
What started as I think you’re pretty cute
ended with I can’t handle not being able to define why I am drawn to you.
I will insist fear played a big role in our demise
it was fear that paralyzed my tongue
while it sent him looking, running, wildly.
Opposite and equal reactions.
Sitting with J at dinner last night
I watched him as he spoke, observing
the way he carefully chose his words
his hand gestures as he told me about the way his Jewish family celebrates Christmas
the way he took deep sips of his wine while he searched my eyes
and the excitement in his eyes when we made a connection
but no, not that kind of connection
both of our families celebrate birthdays with Baskin Robbins ice cream cakes.
I giggled
at his enthusiasm over sharing this in common
and felt myself start to drift
the initial attraction was slipping.
J is by any standards a catch: successful, intelligent, attractive, kind, a good sense of humor and a sharp dresser
he chose a great restaurant
and an even better bottle of wine
he opened the car door each and every time
introduced me to them
and not them to me.
He took me on an ideal, traditional date that most women would have jumped at the chance to have experienced.
It was nice
but it lacked the spontaneous passion that once fueled my connection to M.
Ironically enough, I did not think about M much during dinner.
I told myself I would give J the fair shot he deserved
& I told myself that M is not the standard by which I will measure
he is the superstar
on the wall of shame.
M is not the most attractive guy I’ve dated, not even close
and I have seen the girls he is able to buy
but when the initial attraction slipped between us an hour into our first “date”
it was not a bad thing
slipping is certainly the wrong word
it simply faded into the background
because the connection gained momentum at an incredible speed.
I did not excuse myself to check my make up
or try to stealthily check my reflection in my phone
and I did not worry about him seeing me bare faced in the morning after that first night of too much wine;
I was far too busy trying to absorb every last bit of him
trying to soak up every breath, every touch, every smile
last night I looked in every mirror I walked by…
seeking only my own reflection.
Attraction versus connection
it’s visceral,
watch out.
